CHINA-OCCUPIED HONG KONG – New South China Morning Post CEO Mo Chung said Thursday that the Special Administrative Region’s premier English-language daily newspaper would bring the ailing broadsheet in line with commonplace international journalistic standards like not hiring native Singlish, Urdu and Hokchiu speakers as top editors instead of those who can actually write in and comprehend most forms of garden-variety English spoken in places other than the kitchen of Bahrakath Mutton Soup King in Singapore.
Chung apologized for the previous hirings of Executive News Editor London Yahoo, Deputy Chief Managing Editor Zubadee Inshallaiyah and former Asia Editor Lunar Lee, saying they did not accurately reflect who the SCMP was as a wannabe Times of London Hong Kong edition except with a lot more articles that look like they were written by Beijing fanboys and thuggish interlopers in a language they are mostly just guessing at as a cover for what they purport to be their journalism bona fides.
Yahoo, one of the SCMP’s most prominent voices on disaffected moronic cat-lady chatter who has managed to build an online following of at least dozens of hard-line villagers in Hong Kong’s northern New Territories, has been especially prominent in ritually destroying the SCMP’s flagship tongue as he sought a wider audience of authoritarian Singaporean ass-lickers, CCP sycophants and turncoat ethnic Tibetan anti-Lama vigilantes.
It is believed that Yahoo now writes and speaks in an entirely made-up dialect that arose out of historical mainland Chinese grievance posturing and has been honed into something completely unintelligible except to his close current or former associates at the SCMP, including Inshallaiyah and Lee, who together formed an alliance that worked so far outside the rules of normal English usage and grammar that it seemed they had formed a transcendent yet inscrutable circle-jerk that largely operated in what may as well have been Martian.
One top native English editor at the SCMP questioned how any of the three even ended up with jobs at the daily, given that not a single person knew what they previously did for work, except for possibly having been slave-oarsmen together at the Singapore Straits Times, where they carefully toed the government line while writing mostly incomprehensible drivel about “the Singapore Miracle.”
“I think the question you have to ask,” said the editor, who requested anonymity because he works in the pod right next to Yahoo, “is if they’re such great editors or journalists, why could none of them get jobs in their native languages?”
“I mean, these are people presumably from Malaysia and Singapore and Tibet and Canada who just all showed up one day at the SCMP claiming native English birthrights, and nobody even questioned why the couldn’t even get hired as fact-checkers back home?”
The editor recommended that the SCMP’s Executive Leadership Board do a thorough vetting of all non-Native English speakers who work for the paper and give serious consideration to renting them out to the International New York Times office in Hong Kong, thus raising the professional profiles and intelligence levels of both media outlets.
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