BEIJING – The Chinese Communist Party’s iron cultural fist on Tuesday smashed hard into the face of the Sissy-Boy Culture raging unchecked in the country, with reigning Lord King God Supremo Xi Jinping issuing an edict outlawing any hairstyle outside the one he enjoyed as a youth and well into early adulthood, before he adopted his own perfectly manicured, completely normal shark’s-fin-oil-laden pompadour.
In announcing the new rule, Xi said China faced a stark choice when it came to adhering to internationally best Commie practices, category: hairdo. “The democracy-roaders who would have us believe that the Classic Taper Fade With Thick Hard Part Comb-Over or the Long Fringe With Short Sides or even the Messy Quiff with Mid-Fade and Sideburns will put us on the path to moderate socialist infamy with Chinese characteristics could not possibly have it more wrong,” Xi said.
“The thrifty bangs of my childhood are truly the way to cultural and other hegemony, and also we are going to bomb the shit out of Taiwan when the rest of the world isn’t looking because they’re all having a Bad Hair Day [Sissy Boy-style] or otherwise messed up in their own geopolitical calculations for global domination.”
Xi added that he got laid “a shit ton” when he had a bowl haircut when he was younger, especially when he was an exchange student studying Corn in the middle of Iowa somewhere back in the ’80s. “The agricultural arena was rife with sexual possiblities back in those days, especially for anyone rocking a bowl cut who happened to hang at Len’s Sport Bowl just outside Cedar Rapids on the weekend,” Xi said.
“This was a lifelong lesson for me: the simply shorn are the simply forn[icated], as my buds Marvin Schmidt and Elroy Buechner used to tell me. And now I am applying this jejune American proverb to official Chinese government policy to create a win-win situation for all our people, especially our purely British- and Australian-created Sissy Boy Youth.
“Through this measure, we hope to expand the frontiers of cisgender idolatry and get down to the heavy business of pumping out state-sanctioned progeny who can spread our message of Eventually Taking Over Africa, All of the Middle Eastern Failed States and Much of the South Pacific,” Xi concluded.