SINGAPORE – Popular Asia-Pacific gym chain Pure Fitness announced today that it would undergo an image makeover to make its brand more identifiable to the meta-influencer-cum-millennial-jizzbag physical fitness subset that values Deep Meditative Staring Into the Cyber Abyss over anything as simple as maybe a bench press or even a light jog on one of the 400 available treadmills in each gym.
Pure Fitness CEO Ambergris Nigellitude said the company was basically forced to make the change after a survey of gym users found that the majority preferred using the gym to lovingly gaze into their Apple iPhone 14 (53 percent), Samsung S22 (38 percent) or Google Pixel 7 (9 percent) all fucking day rather doing a Full Body Workout Routine, Interval Training or the Get Shredded in Two Weeks plan.
“The Pure Fitness Data-Wrangling Analytics Team spotted a strong tendency among our dedicated user base toward Being and Nothingness, and with that comes the equally strong pull to do contemplative self-reflection by bogarting the nearest gym apparatus and venerating your cellphone, for example by a) checking every single one of your Whatsapp messages since 2013; b) re-examining your Instagram feed to make sure the one follower you claimed over the last month is definitely not a stalker even though you tempted them their in the first place with your imploring butt-squat photos; or c) I don’t know, just lookin’ at stuff if that’s what it takes to prevent all of the other gym customers from getting on with their workout lives.
“Fuck off out of the gym,” said all the other customers who weren’t likewise engaged with their devices.
At press time, it was unclear whether the customers who were still staring deeply into their phones had become aware of any obvious external cues that may have tipped them off to the widespread hate building around them, such as the gym manager waving his hands in front of their non-seeing faces and yelling at them to get off the fucking machine if they’re not using it after sitting there for at least 27 minutes, or the dude dropping silent-but-deadly farts pretty much right into their nostrils while saying, “There you go, shit-eater, you like that rep?”
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