HONG KONG – The brutal realities of Arsenal FC supporters’ group politics came crashing down on 37-year-old American Russell Weston over the weekend when he arrived at a Hong Kong pub meet-up with the group toting a French horn and not the bass trombone he had previously claimed was his principal instrument.
Weston, who had played with the Fresno City Symphony before arriving in Hong Kong in 2015, at first claimed to the group — who he was meeting in person for the first time after being invited by acquaintances — that he was carrying the French horn for a friend.
Suspicions were raised, however, when group members pointed out the “Russell Weston, 2nd French Horn” clearly embossed into the leather handiwork of his instrument case.
“We really have no problem with members’ instrumental preferences, as many of us are also in weekend bands,” group president Nick Hathborne said. “But this is Arsenal. If Russell had just said from the start he was a French horn player, we probably wouldn’t have had a problem with it. Plus, he’s a Yank. I mean, French horn? Yank? That’s Tottenham,” he said, referring to Arsenal archrival Tottenham Hotspur, a notorious breeding ground for American fans with little knowledge of English football who get raging boners from their singular foreign sporting fancy.
“At first, when we asked him what he did and he said, ‘Oh, I’m in the Hong Kong Philharmonic,’ I think most of us figured he played the tuba or bassoon or even the cello, which would all fit our group profile as the embodiment of the Arsenal alpha male ideal. When he said he played the bass trombone, that sort of sealed the deal, as nobody would ever say our group ‘was as gay as a bass trombone,’ even though many of us enjoy the occasional ladyboy since we all mostly work in the financial industry and need our creative outlets.”
“Playing the French horn is simply beyond the pale,” Hathborne continued. “We had to part with Russell, but wished him well for the philharmonic’s coming performances of Madame White Snake and The Nutcracker, which our group may still attend in force so long as our seats are kitted out in the Arsenal palette of red, dark red, blue and gold, just so there is no misunderstanding of where we stand in our allegiances.”
Weston said the outing by the group, though painful, had taught him to always be honest with himself and others about his instrumental and team preferences. But he added that the time he spent masquerading as a bass trombone player and Arsenal fan was “gorgeously liberating.”
“I do have some regrets, but having the full support and brotherhood of the Arsenal chaps, however brief, was something I’ll never forget. I’m now looking into the possibility of a full transfer to a Tottenham supporters club that meets at a more upscale Hong Kong pub that is fully accepting of my instrument, and where I can also hopefully score a few cheeky and outlandish goals with the lads.”
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