All Other Deaths were put on notice today that they would no longer be allowed while the coronavirus makes the world its plaything, a move that underscored the disease’s transcendent nature in the eyes of international health officials, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said.
Cardiac infarctions, cancers, liver failures, alcohol poisonings, traffic fatalities and strokes, among other leading causes of death, were all informed that they would not be tolerated as the coronavirus ring-fenced global media attention to make it seem like no other forms of death ever existed at all, and, to be sure, why would we even talk about them.
The CDC said in a communique distributed to media members who had not yet pledged full obeisance to covering the coronavirus and only the coronavirus, to the exclusion of all matters big snd small including politics, business, sports, weather, science, literature, music and beyond, that although coronavirus deaths would now take precedence, some forms of murder would still be allowed under certain circumstances.
In the case of domestic partners quarantined together with no chance of ever escaping each other’s constant, seemingly endless stream-of-consciousness chatter about topics they really couldn’t care less about but nonetheless had to endure just to get through this thing, second-degree murder and voluntary manslaughter would be permitted if a court found the unendurable patter sufficiently exculpatory to the defendant.
Such deaths, however, would still officially be tabulated as coronavirus fatalities given the proximate causation, the CDC said.
The CDC added that according to its projections, other forms of death besides the coronavirus will become fully operational again sometime in July or August, when an unprecedented heat wave stemming from global climate change is expected to hit, claiming millions of victims and shoving the coronavirus from atop its monopolistic death perch.
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