The Taliban said today that all people including women who are not men with frothy graying beards wielding late-model AK-47s could now enjoy the right to constantly think about, draw enticing pictures of, groom and even tightly grasp any Taliban mens’ cocks they liked, but only if they super wanted to, adding that women were also now free to remove their hijabs during forced sex so long as they did so with the man’s consent and had three other male relatives attest to their complete lack of free will.
“Such times of ‘No Freedom Chance’ for women are finished, Inshallah!”, Taliban political leader Abdul Ghani Baradar shouted into what he thought might be a live microphone but was actually a sandstone phallus figurine his friend Pious Muhammad XIV had cheekily handed him during a press conference to announce the new policy.
“For our wives, sisters, mothers, underage cousins and all these kinds of things, as long as they are clean-shaven and abide by ‘The New Liberal Dictate of Everyone’s Friend The Taliban OR WE KILL U!’, we hold this to be self-evident: Female servants only now serve Allah! And naturally by ‘Allah,’ I mean me and my buddies from my village of Abbas Koshteh!”
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Baradar added that the Taliban, and all of Afghanistan, would now loosely follow other local customs of Abbas Koshteh, including:
- The custom of allowing Goat Friend to have final authority over all family matters and national security policy by neighing loudly when given “Yes (loud neighing) or No (silent)” choice by Supreme Afghan Council on Liberal Democracy, such as: Please neigh loudly if you agree: “Kill All Americans” or “Stone Wife With Help of Neighbors.” The choice of silence by goat shall also be decreed to be assent to either Kill All Americans or Stone Wife With Help of Neighbors;
- The custom of allowing ISIS brethren from neighboring Muslim caliphates including Pakistan to freely proselytize, go to the latest Jihadi movies and Kill All Americans with members in good standing of all local Afghan Councils on Liberal Democracy;
- The custom of going Full-Out Afghan Bro Party Mode when confronted by other incipient threats such as:
- Woman
- Woman + Other Woman
- Woman (Group, esp. in pants)