MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA – Job networking site LinkedIn announced Tuesday that it would no longer allow ordinary users to humblebrag about their noxiously routine career, academic and social achievements on the platform, saying that it would instead be starting a program called “TechSelect” that would limit obviously fakey boasts to those users who best help LinkedIn achieve total algorithmic douchebaggery.
LinkedIn spokesperson Luditha Crespatidwall said that although the company appreciated the legion of smarmy activist/journalist/UN spokesmodel/pentathlete/superprogrammer Harvard grads who all simultaneously virtue-signal each other that they will end world hunger and undoubtedly help achieve peace in the Middle East while coming up with a sustainable solution to contain plastic pollution in the world’s oceans, it would prefer to embrace an aesthetically purer version of its model user.
“What this mean for now is that humblebragging and virtue signaling can only be done by users who are currently working in the Thought Leadership space for Google, Facebook or Microsoft and who also have a vision for sharing with LinkedIn all the data they have collected on their own client bases with our own Thought Leaders at LinkedIn,” Crespatidwall said.
“In this way, we hope to narrow the amount of careerist smeg our public user base sees on a daily basis,” she continued. “For example, garden-variety talent acquisition specialists will no longer be able to post their musings on how getting on board with team culture could possibly give you a boner for life, nor will the be allowed to virtually jerk each other off for unspecified brownie points.”
“However, most users will still be able to use our platform to engage in corporate in-speak and to post photos of themselves hugging their Egyptian Mau cats to their faces,” she said. “After all, this is the real bread and butter of the LinkedIn experience: connecting workaday professionals through inane industry buzzwords and their shared sexual attraction to exotic domesticated animals.”
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