LONDON – King Charles III was formally enwhored to the British crown on Saturday, saying he would definitely yackmaw any other country that threatened the dissolution of the empire, specifically mentioning Canada, New Zealand and Australia but totally throwing shade Jamaica’s way in case they were even thinking about getting out from underneath the royal jackboot.
The king, who was silently lathered in hot holy oil by another grown adult man in a tailored Peaky Blinders dressing gown during the coronation ceremony, symbolizing the slimy bond between British royalty and their unwavering submissives, told both White and Brown people living under the monarchy’s reign that together, they could live hopelessly in the past while squandering their children’s future.
“I say to you all, the commonwealth shall not fail you even as we demand a tuppence for our rule while secretly undermining your every effort to end forthwith our tyranny by diktat. In this, we are bound as one and do so promise to hold and keep aflame the righteous indignity of historical aberration and anomalies, such like the time we enslaved all your people and got some great curry restaurants out of the deal.”
“As for Canada, New Zealand and Australia, you know where you all stand: our unbreakable ties shall have no end so long as you agree to let us go on endless holidays there, especially to the Gold Coast and Toronto.”
A Buckingham Palace spokesperson said that the royal family truly apologized for its past hegemonies and that in the future it would demand obeisance from a wider array of nation-states so as to embrace a more equitable form of socio-cultural totalitarianism and strive to be more inclusive of peoples who voluntarily give up their political liberty and other freedoms to willingly grovel at the feet of His Royal Highness.
“Hip-Hip Hooray,” the spokesperson added.
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