North Korean strongman Kim Jong-un took time out from his 4,500-kilometre train journey from Pyongyang to Hanoi for a break at a rest stop on the outskirts of Beijing, giving himself a half-hour to “unleash my inner demons a little bit” and also allow his cabinet members to use the restroom and get a snack.
“Breathe in that sweet smell of Chinese freedom, my friends!” Kim exclaimed to the other North Korean officials and security personnel as he stepped off the train. “Man, it is sooo great here!,” he whooped, taking in the local grade-B environmental catastrophe that compared with his own country would be considered an EcoGreen International Award Winner. “Get me the Fuck out of North Korea, you know what I mean, dudes!?”
“God, working for the man is just such a downer!” The Supreme Leader continued, perhaps referring to his father, the late Kim Jong-il, who he succeeded in 2011 but who he now resembles to the point he thinks he may be him unless he gets far fucking away from Pyongyang.
“I mean, just look at it here … Magnificent!” Kim screamed, throwing off his Doc Martens, adjusting the backward Red Sox cap on his head and running into the stream trickling languidly next to rest stop vending machines. “Fuckin’ love it here, dudes! This is what I mean when I’m talking about tree-hugging freedom!”
“Yo! Yo!” Kim screamed at his engaging and sociable sister, Yo-jung, who is accompanying him to Hanoi, where he is expected for a summit with U.S. President Donald Trump later this week. “Dude, are we gonna party in Hanoi, or what? You know that joint is gonna be LIT AS FUCK with Donald!”
“And you know the D-Man is gonna show up, like out of the blue, dude!” he added, referring to his friend, former NBA superstar and current quasi-international liaison Dennis Rodman.
“Hey Yong!” he then shouted at Kim Yong-chol, his chief negotiator in talks with the U.S. to end their stalemate over North Korea’s nuclear ambitions. “You know what they call this train, bruh? The Booooooooozzeee Train, dude!”
Kim then broke out three shot glasses, and he, his sister and his chief political aide hit some slow-mo tequila shooters while toasting the natural bounty around them and collectively throwing it out xxxx xxxxx before reboarding the train and making their way to Hanoi.
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