VATICAN CITY – The Catholic Church revealed over the weekend that the avalanche of child sex-abuse allegations it faces in Europe, the U.S. and Australia has forced it to reconsider its corporate growth strategy, saying it would now attempt to diversify away from its traditional grooming grounds by “extending our warmest, heartfelt reach-around to the Asia-Pacific.”
The Vatican said in a statement that after a “trying period of soul-searching and introspection” in the wake of the sex-abuse claims, it had decided its best strategy for capturing a more spiritually attuned share of the organized religion market was to spread its universal message of singular fatherly love to Asians of all nationalities, races, and creeds.
“We especially appeal to younger Asians who find themselves searching for some measure of divinity and need a willing and untrembling hand to guide them toward God’s welcoming and ecstatic embrace,” it said.
“This directive is totally not intended to separate barely legal Asian adolescents and children from their parents in order to nurture them for a higher purpose such as grasping the most engorged principles of Catholicism’s base parts,” the statement said. “Rather, we want to target and enfold a more willing and receptive generation into a larger pool of candidates longing for a lifelong journey with their sacred elders into a richer realm of impassioned yet strangely disembodied worship.”
The Holy See said it was willing to consider potential new congregants above the age of 16 so long as they “exhibited or exuded” a childlike innocence and enjoyed gummy bear treats or some other sickeningly sweet faith reward. It added, however, that it preferred the consecration process to largely involve a younger subset of ecclisiastically oriented followers, “so that we can keep food and storage costs down.”
The Vatican said any Asians interested in starting upon their new spiritual path should call the Vatican hotline at 666 224-7831 or send an email to fatherteddybear@thevatican.com.