‘Help Us Find Our 1.2 Million Missing Uighur Children,’ China Pleads in Yak Milk Carton Campaign

BEIJING — China has announced the start of a yak milk carton advertising campaign to track down the estimated 1.2 million Muslim Uighurs that have gone missing in the country, saying it was concerned the group may have taken an unannounced holiday to Bali without telling the government and now didn’t want to return “for fear of hurting the feelings of the Chinese people.”

“We can say for sure that our 1.2 million Uighur children are not being held in abysmal conditions in government-run re-education camps, where they are not being forced to eat pork, learn Mandarin and clear their throats with confucian gusto,” Interior Ministry spokesman Guo Wencong said at a press conference. 

“This idea that somehow the government has rounded up 1.2 million of our own citizens and placed them in virtual prisons to beat the Uighur out of them and make them the docile, compliant subordinates we have long dreamed about is nothing short of an offensive, foreign-inflamed conspiracy,” Guo added. 

“Besides, such a situation would not be a win-win solution for our country or the other country we know as ‘Uighurville’ that we would like to make our own and suck the lifeblood out of by transplanting millions of Han people there, building thousands of glass-and-tile KTV parlours, and completely obliterating the indigenous culture.”

Guo said the yak milk carton campaign was based on a similar campaign run by the U.S. government decades ago, which ended when the majority of Americans developed lactose intolerance sometime in the early 1990s.

When asked why the government thought it was a good idea to put the missing Uighurs’ faces on yak milk cartons when only Uighurs drink yak milk and couldn’t possibly find themselves, Guo explained: “Although there is a good chance we won’t find any of them because they are clearly enjoying their time abroad, we hope through this campaign to at least raise awareness among Muslim Uighurs that the Chinese government is concerned for their welfare and would like to see them back at their jobs at the Harmonious Compatriots Rock Mine as soon as possible.”