GENEVA – A coalition of obscenely indebted nations and regions denied on Wednesday that their combined $178 trillion in unpaid borrowings was likely to lead to global financial genocide, saying the interconnectedness of their debts was tenuous at best with no tangible evidence whatsoever that a fiscal implosion with the force of an unimagined yet very real galactic subatomic event was even remotely possible.
In a group statement released to celebrate Fiscal Responsibility Decade, China, the U.S., Europe, Australia, Japan, India, Singapore, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Vietnam, Thailand, East Timor and Canada said the billions of citizens around the globe desperately dependent on their financial wherewithal had no reason to panic, citing recent news reports quoting economists as saying there was no need to fear an uncontrollable tsunami of red ink.
The statement said that the currently incomprehensible global trade rules had had the counterintuitive effect of acting as a “self-reinforcing barrier against any supposed hazards like raging deficits that threaten to topple over the countries’ monetary bulwarks as if they were so many tweaky heroin addicts.”
China, in the hole by an estimated $32 trillion, and the United States ( -24 trillion) both pointed to their outsourced, state-of-the-art money-making factories in Pakistan and Aruba, respectively, as proof that Chinese and American citizens would continue to enjoy a bountiful supply of hard currency well into the current millennium, thanks to rapid-fire distribution networks “not even close to being controlled by international drug cartels in cahoots with profiteering multinational banks.”
Europe, currently mired in an economic depression and whose total debts are $14 trillion, said it, too had a plan to counter fiscal exigencies that threaten to tear the Continent apart like a cheap wine doily. “Once we offload the U.K., Spain, Greece, Turkey and Italy, and also add Norway, we expect to shrink our deficit to a more manageable $9 trillion, which we can easily securitize and then sell off in bundles to Deutsche Bank and Nigerian E-mail scammers, who can repackage the assets for consumers as part of their advance-fee premium investment plans.”
Dorel Ghani, a global debt analyst with the International Monetary Fund, said the IMF was currently monitoring the situation, and would notify everybody by instant messenger when international debt levels approached the $1 quadrillion mark, which the IMF does not expect to happen until well into the early part of next year.