WASHINGTON – U.S. President Donald Trump has named Fox News prime-time papi chulo Geraldo Rivera his new czar for acquiring ‘ventiladores’ for the thousands of Latino-American victims of the coronavirus, after Rivera told Trump that his loco guey primo in Juarez, Mexico, was sitting on a warehouse full of the fayuca just on the city’s northern outskirts underneath the bridge to El Paso.
Trump said that although he could barely understand what Geraldo was telling him, given the popular TV host’s penchant for falling into the street slang of his native West Babylon, New York, he was “sure of a great deal when I hear one, and this is a big one. Possibly the biggest of all time, but you hear that a lot – ‘big deal this, big deal that’ – so I’m going to go down there with Geraldo and maybe come back here with a semi-full or a train-full or maybe even use a Colombian-made cargo plane. Who knows?”
“One thing for certain – we will get thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands of ventiladores out of that Mexican warehouse, taking them out of the hands of the bad and very likely worse than bad hambres or hombres who run things down there and bringing them to our own in-need Latino-American communities right here at home!” the president stated. “Geraldo told me his cousin has so many ventiladores in storage he could probably save the world and we could get this whole thing restarted by the end of the weekend if we really wanted to.”
“Geraldo also said he had seen many ventiladores in his day, but that these are probably the biggest and best ones ever. These large, beautiful … you could almost call them life-saving ventiladores, or LSVs, so that’s what we’ll stick with: LSVs,” Trump continued. “These LSVs are the greatest, and they will save American lives, and I guess we can thank Geraldo’s Mexican contacts for that.”
“And by the way, this is a done deal – done! Geraldo’s cousin did say we have to take some side merch back with us and maybe pass it around the border towns to keep the locals chido, but this is probably a matter of a few chalupas here, some nachos there. Geraldo can tell you all about it, but we’re basically all set.” he concluded.
The multiple Emmy award-winning Rivera, for his part, said he was having some second thoughts about the deal, given that his cousin is known as the “Fan King” of Mexico and really has no prior experience dealing in complex medical respiratory devices.
Still, Rivera said, “I’m totally confident these ventiladores, or whatever you want to call them, will save precious Latino-American lives, or at the very least allow our community to live in refreshing, almost cooling comfort while they pass their downtime riding out the coronavirus in their cacorros nationwide.”
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