BROOKLYN, NEW YORK – Brooklyn Nets point guard and possible anti-Semite Kyrie Irving said today he did not need lectures on bogus conspiracy theories that everyone knows couldn’t possibly be true except for the one about how the NBA is definitely in cahoots with the Worldwide Jewish Cabal to pay him $30 million-plus a year to play for a franchise that has no chance of ever winning an NBA title.
Irving said he was “obviously strong-armed by shady, unknown forces” working to destabilize his life journey from awesome, happy-go-lucky one-semester college student at Dukey Basketball U to cantankerous and wily yet still underappreciated and problematically reverse-racist NBA point guard.
“Man, my whole thing is like, look… I’m so down with everything being cool as far as how I go with Twitter and Instagram and whatever and also people’s responses to those things, but ya’ll gotta remember that ya’ll ain’t my daddy no more and LeBron sure as hell ain’t my Daddy no more and I don’t play for the people and I ESPECIALLY DON’T PLAY FOR LEBRON WHO I TRIED TO LEAVE THAT ONE TIME AND THEN THAT HAPPENED AND NOW THIS.”
Irving said he still felt like he was the same person and basketball player that paired with LeBron James to win the NBA title with the Cleveland Cavaliers in 2016, when he averaged 25.2 points per game, 5.8 assists and shot 40 percent from three-point land, even though he did not have nearly the social media presence he has now or the penchant to go on 24-second-long ball-hogging binges every time his team had possession.
“I guess the only thing difference these days is I got hooked into things outside of my comfort zone, which is absolutely essential to my self-actualization as a basketball player and conspiracy-obsessed meshuggah putzzum,” Kyrie explained. “Regardless, I am not backing down in regards to who I am as a a possible alien being from a super-intelligent planet like Saturnsphere or wherever who really wants his team to win except we’re 2-5 right now and nobody can really explain it.
“What I can say is as soon as we get this figured out along with the JFK assassination, the totally fakey moon landing and the professional basketball player circle-jerk sex ring going on inside our locker room, I’ll let everyone know.”
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