UNITED NATIONS, NEW YORK – The United Nations on Tuesday officially designated Italians a “People of Color,” ending a decades-long controversy within the southern subcontinental European community over whether the peninsular pizza-eaters had ever, in fact, even come as close as an Italian woman’s pencil moustache away from being actual caucasoidal Etruscans.
The new designation will take effect on Friday, the day most Italians in Italy refuse to go to their jobs because it clashes with their identity as not-super-white mangiapatates who can afford not to work when they really don’t want to. The U.N. said Italian-Americans could self-apply the “People of Color” designation if they wished, but warned that they risked turning into a bunch of paraculos if they chose to do so.
The U.N. said in a statement that it arrived at the decision to grant Italians the new status after it became clear that when really considering it, Italians completely lacked any qualities normally associated with garden-variety white people, such such as pretending to enjoy the arts, spending half their salary on a late-model Buick and using a microwave to “cook” linguini.
U.N. officials said that photographs of Italians and people of Italian descent that they had recently been shown confirmed the decision, ending years of speculation over whether Italians should ever take the names Sven, Heidi, Magnus or Casper.
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