HOLLYWOOD/WASHINGTON – Former U.S. President Donald Trump, troublesome weirdo actor Kevin Spacey, ex-Today Show host Matt Lauer, current U.S. Supreme Court justice Brett Kavanaugh, probationary R&B icon R. Kelly, playboy New York Times reporter Glenn Thrush and seemingly well-adjusted yet undeniably pervy comedian Louis C.K. have all been signed to star in the Fox TV’s new Date-Rape Island: #MeToo Comes Alive, which is scheduled to debut this summer, just in time for the height of the seasonal global date-rapeyness phenomenon that nobody previously knew anything about but which has rocketed to global renown after lying dormant in the public’s imagination for the last 877 years.
Trump, the miscreant American neoconservative thought leader who continues to be married to his doting hot supermodel wife, Melania, despite entirely unproven allegations that he regularly unleashed Señor Dickenstein against the will of unsuspecting Trump Organization employees, empathetic and possibly starstruck Virgin Atlantic flight attendants as well a cabal of ordinarily centered but somewhat low self-esteem Midwestern Hoochie-Mamas, will serve as the anchor celebrity sexual harasser for the program, Fox TV said in a statement.
“We are confident that President Trump’s decades-long experience in international business, domestic politics and unhinged frottage will translate into another wildly successful Voyeur Entertainment Package that everyone at home can enjoy,” Fox TV said in a statement. “The value tangential that our other guest panelists bring to the show is equally immeasurable, and we look forward to showcasing their best strategies for penetrating our target audience.”
Louis C.K. will have his own segment on the show, “While I Sat Diddling,” where each contestant will have a chance to prove herself a worthy target of the comedian’s peccadillo du jour, ranging anywhere from casual klismaphilia to the Bangkok Smear.
One contestant, 34-year-old Instagram influencer Rondae Holland, said she was looking forward to being casually sexually abused by a group of uncontrollable mysogynistic men-children with compulsive and possibly sociopathic sadomasochistic tendencies that exclude all normal human interaction.
“This is going to remind me so, so much of the furtive gropers and deep-stealth date-rapers that surrounded me during my childhood, adolescence, college, early adulthood and mid-professional career,” Holland said. “I just can’t wait to enable their patriarchal zeal in reenforcing sexual deviancies within the welcoming, safe and secure zone of Network Television.”