Everyone knows the joke about the panda who walks into a restaurant, orders a meal, wolfs it down and then shoots the waiter with a pistol and walks out without paying the bill.
The manager chases the panda down the road and asks in a state of panic and confusion, “Why?”
The panda calmly replies, “I’m a panda, look me up in the dictionary: Northeast Asian marsupial with distinctive black and white markings, eats shoots and leaves.”
According to a report by a U.S. cybersecurity firm, the People’s Liberation Army is working to infuse this old joke with new life by training a team of panda shock troops based on research suggesting that even hardened American Navy Seals would find it difficult to take aim at and kill a panda.
The report, by CloudCrisis Inc., said that PLA Unit 61486 – known in inner circles as “Pandas for the Kill” – has been masking its panda military training by hacking into U.S., Japanese and European corporations focused on satellite and communications technology in what is being called a smokescreen operation.
What was not known until late last week is that the unit is primarily involved in a secret project to breed and train giant pandas for military purposes. The project was jump-started by Chinese psychologist Liu Fangpi, who allegedly found that American soldiers showed hesitation and reluctance when faced with images of pandas in simulated combat scenarios.
It is not known whether Liu recruited any U.S. military personnel – active or inactive – for the study.
First published in the Journal of Psychological Warfare in June 2019, Liu claims that pandas have a “unique psychological effect” on human enemies due to their “cute and innocent appearance” and their “symbolic status as a national treasure and a global icon of peace and conservation.”
The PLA reportedly started training panda shock troops in “high-risk and high-reward missions” such as infiltrating enemy bases, sabotaging critical infrastructure and conducting assassinations. The report said that the pandas are trained to use their natural strength, agility and camouflage skills, as well as specially designed weapons and equipment.
The CloudCrisis report cited anonymous sources within the PLA who confirmed the existence of the project and provided photos and videos of the panda shock troops in carefully coordinated practice action – on the condition of anonymity, given the sensitivity of the subject.
Sources also admitted that the project has faced some challenges, such as the low reproductive rate of pandas, their dietary requirements and their tendency to be easily distracted and playful.
In one rehearsal of a targeted assassination, according to a reliable source, a military-trained panda asset fell asleep before reaching the target and did “rolly-pollies” for half an hour after waking and then became ravenous for bamboo shoots, turning the mission into a quest for unavailable panda delicacies.
“Bamboo shoots are hard to find in many of the countries China disdains,” said one anonymous expert.
The U.S. government, according to a State Department source, is aware of the project and is taking countermeasures to protect its interests and allies. The source said that the U.S. is preparing to urge the international community to condemn China’s use of pandas for military purposes and to pressure China to respect human and panda rights.
The Chinese government has not responded to the CloudCrisis report.
In related news, in a resumption of panda diplomacy, the PRC earlier this month sent two pandas to the National Zoo in Washington D.C., as Qing Bao, a 3-year-old year-old female, and Bao Li, a 3-year-old male, began a 30-day quarantine in the Washington Panda House.
The question, of course, is whether the U.S. is “pandaring” to China. Or whether the Chinese Communist Party/PLA has, under the guise of diplomacy, implanted two deadly assets into the primary bastion of Western democracy, Washington D.C.
Whisker-thin margins cloud sensible speculation about the results of the presidential election on Nov. 7. That leads some to speculate that China may be leveraging a miasma of electoral confusion to plant its panda assets – and galvanize them into action if the U.S. collapses under its own weight in coming weeks.
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