OSLO – Norwegian Prime Minister Erna Solberg has sent a letter to Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf demanding that the team immediately cease and desist from using the name “Vikings” and replace its mascot Viktor the Viking with the dried crushed reindeer testicles Solbeg sent with the letter to better reflect the team’s urgent need to grow a pair and win at least a couple games this year and not be such a humiliation to just about everyone with Scandinavian heritage.
“Dear Mr. Zygi,” the letter began. “We in Norway are not sure which is dumber: your name or the Vikings name you have culturally appropriated as a way of demeaning the entire diaspora of Norwegians the team purports to represent despite an unbroken history of mostly abject failure that has only meant misery, heartbreak and a grand total of zero Super Bowl victories.
“Norwegians have sat idly by and watched this unendurable and never-ending fiasco of mismanaged roster changes, clown-show coaching and obvious strategic indifference while the Vikings’ next-door neighbor, the Green Bay Packers, whose nickname accurately reflects that area’s history of constant household movings and gay bondage activity but in no way insults any single nation’s proud cultural history, pretty much every single goddam season make a mockery of the Vikes, thereby making a mockery of Norway,” Solberg said.
“This is not just about your team’s four Super Bowl losses or the Fred Smoot signing or letting Brett Favre play an additional year when he clearly should have been in Mississippi mowing his lawn and not even allowed near a football,” she continued.
“By the way, on the Favre thing: Tremendous 2009 season. Over 4,000 yards and 30 TD passes. Couldn’t have been better. But nearly every Green Bay Packer fan was telling you at the time of the trade, ‘Don’t worry, he’ll definitely throw an interception in the NFC championship game and rip your hearts out, so good luck with that.’ And yet you were still somehow so Smooten with Favre to hand him another $20 million for an utter shitshow of a 2010 season, during which of course the Packers handed it back on a plate to the Vikes with their Aaron Rodgers and yet another Super Bowl victory… Fucking duh.”
“In summary, we feel that your football squad would be more appropriately named the Minnesota Hockey People and not have anything to do with the Vikings since you really haven’t had even one good season of murderously rampaging through the entire NFL on your way to glory for all Norwegians.”
Solberg added that Minnesotans were still welcome to visit Norway, but that they should hide their purple Vikings paraphernalia like caps, T-shirts and especially Herschel Walker jerseys if they want to survive there.
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