WASHINGTON – U.S. President Joe Biden said today that the Department of Health and Human Services would allow Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers special dispensation to return to his NFL job after the department agreed with Rodgers’ claim that he was a Conscientious Objector in the war against the most pernicious disease the world has ever seen up until this time and so could sit on the sidelines during this once-in-a-lifetime fight while also allowing him to partake in a much larger battlefield conflict this weekend: the Packers vs. the Seahawks.
In his petition for C.O. certification, Rodgers’ argued that his elite status as a two-time NFL most valuable player gave him a higher understanding of the costs of any war, adding that he had chosen to ignore the current worldwide clarion call to take up arms and needles in solidarity with other oppressed members of the international community including the Dalai Lama, Alexei Navalny and Kanye West, who, although they do not play the Seahawks on Sunday, Rodgers said he would “sure as hell like to have them on the field next to me for spiritual support and possibly even insert as running backs owing to our somewhat lame ground game.”
Biden said he also supported Rodgers’ claim now that he had switched allegiance from the Philadelphia Eagles, who are now so far behind in the NFC East Division “they may as well be Kutztown State,” to the Packers, whose state, Wisconsin, Biden won in the 2020 presidential election, arguably carrying him to the presidency.
“I sure do love those Packers now,” Biden said in signing the documents giving Rodgers his footballing freedom and almost certainly ensuring Biden a victory in Wisconsin in 2024. “Aaron Rodgers is crucial to our country’s spiritual and metaphysical integrity and we honor him for staying true to his most heartfelt principles.”
Biden added that he would also consider a special C.O. exemption for unvaccinated Minnesota Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins so long as Cousins could rally Minnesota’s democratic caucus in Washington behind his infrastructure and stimulus bills – something political commentators have said is as likely as the Vikings beating the Packers this year, so long as Rodgers is behind center.