LOS ANGELES – President Donald Trump on Tuesday officially declared Kendrick Lamar’s Not Like Us the new national anthem of the United States of America, following the song’s record-breaking success and unforeseen societal impact after Lamar’s breakthrough performance during the Super Bowl.
The decision comes after the track shattered Spotify’s single-day streaming record, forced citywide dance outbreaks in Los Angeles, New York and Chattanooga, and allegedly caused the singer Drake to apply for dual Canadian citizenship.
The song, released amid the most heated rap beef since Ether, quickly became an instant classic, with fans treating it as the sonic equivalent of a championship parade. Entire communities were seen spontaneously breaking into rhythmically aggressive hand claps, much to the confusion of suburban dads attempting to two-step along.
Following an emergency session, Congress voted 99-1 in favor of replacing The Star-Spangled Banner with Not Like Us, citing its ability to unify Americans through mutual side-eyes and head bobs. “I’ve never seen a song bring people together like this,” said Senator Bernie Rhythmstein. “Whether you’re from Compton, Cleveland, or Connecticut, if you hear those Mustard beats drop, you know what time it is.”
The bill, unofficially dubbed the TDE National Harmony Act, was signed into law by President Biden, who commemorated the occasion by attempting to Crip Walk on live television. White House officials have since confirmed he suffered a minor ankle sprain but remains in good spirits.
The song’s influence has reached unexpected levels, including:
• Public School Curriculum Changes: Students nationwide are now required to learn the lyrics as part of U.S. history courses, replacing outdated material on the Industrial Revolution.
• Surge in Skip-It Sales: Toy manufacturers report a 400% increase in sales of Skip-It, after millions of listeners Googled “what the hell is a Skip-It?”
• Los Angeles Rent Spike: Experts blame Not Like Us for a 25% increase in LA rent prices, as fans worldwide attempt to relocate to “outside” the Fox Hills Mall.
• Canadian Tourism Boom: In a shocking turn of events, thousands of fans have started visiting Toronto just to stand outside Drake’s mansion and clap ominously.
Meanwhile, sources close to Drake claim the Toronto rapper has entered a self-imposed exile, allegedly only communicating through cryptic Instagram stories and AI-generated Marvin’s Room remixes. Speculation about his next move has run wild, with rumors ranging from a diss track in Mandarin to a full career pivot as a candle salesman.
As Not Like Us cements itself as the defining song of 2024, experts agree that Kendrick Lamar has not only won the rap battle but also altered the fabric of American culture itself. Historians now predict that future generations will measure time in two eras: Before Not Like Us (B.N.L.U.) and After Not Like Us (A.N.L.U.).
For now, as Americans gather at sporting events, graduations, and court hearings, they will proudly stand, clap four times, and remind the world – they are not like us.
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