NEW YORK – The New York Times has announced it will name an All Black Women squad to take over its masthead after the stunning defeat of Kamala Harris in the U.S. presidential election left staffers moved to tears and in some cases paralyzed from the waist down and unable to digitally manipulate their clitorises out of shock that all their sideline cheerleading for the Harris campaign had come to nought.
The current executive editor, Joe Kahn, said in an emotionally fraught statement that it in the wake of Harris’s loss, it was the duty of all White Men at the New York Times to fall on their swords in a nod to the historical DEI grievances that have simmered around the offices of the daily newspaper for decades.
“Our shameful past has now come home to roost and it is my duty to make way for the next generation of Gray Lady stalwarts who will lead this enterprise to a level of aspirational diversity the journalism world has never seen before,” Kahn said. “In acknowledging the painful loss of Kamala Harris, we also recognize the defeat this means for our entire staff and readership, who for too long have wilted under the leadership of a parade of White Males or Almost White Males with the Occasional Non-White Males Thrown In There Just For Kicks.”
People with knowledge of the situation at the Times said it appeared likely that Lydia Polgreen, the columnist whose defection and random affair with the Huffington Post back in late 2016 left the New York Times without any Powerful Black Lesbian ballast in the office to offset the heavy stank of Leftover Caucasian-ness that had presided over the enterprise for what seemed like centuries, would become the new executive editor.
With the announcement seemingly imminent, Black and LGBTQ+ staffers at the New York Times could be seen aggressively goose-stepping through the offices as both Melissa Etheridge’s seminal queer anthem, “Come to My Window” and Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise” blared through the office speaker system as Kahn and other masthead editors were being hog-tied and greased for ritual sacrifice to the Diversity Gods.
“We’re here, we’re Queer and Often Black and we will not disappear!” they rapped as some masthead editors who were formerly considered Diverse-Nearly Elite because their immigrant Hedge Fund-founding parents could only afford to send them to a second-tier Ivy League university and not Harvard or Yale, such as International Editor Philip P. Pan, pledged their allegiance to the new militant yet highly self-aware and undoubtedly evolving coalition.
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