CHINA-OCCUPIED HONG KONG – The chief operating officer of HSBC Hong Kong is temporarily standing down from his position as one of the bank’s top executives to seek recovery from the gusher of cash that has overwhelmed him during the recent run of record banking profits, saying the almost endless flow of capital into his private offshore investment accounts has impacted his ability to maintain the sense of humility necessary to continue to serve a client base that he makes way more money than.
The COO, Tristan Braithwaite, a 47-year-old originally from Twatsbury, Scotland, acknowledged that he was battling substance abuse issues that involved doing massive amounts of blow on the weekends in several bars spread across Hong Kong’s glamorous Lan Kwai Fong, Wanchai and Discovery Bay neighborhoods.
Braithwaite said that the almost laserlike focus he brought to the office every day that helped him succeed in landing several high-profile corporate clients for HSBC was also the very same thing that had led to his incapacitation while operating outside of a work setting. But, he added, he was working with local mental health consultancy Time For Wu to learn how to apply that laserlike focus in healthier ways other than snorting, vaping or directly injecting into his neck inhumanly amounts of smack.
“My team of therapists has suggested that although my love affair with any of the various forms of joy powder I ingested on an almost daily basis while racking up unprecedented annual gross and net revenues for HSBC must come to an end, I should continue to build and enhance my client-centered relationships with the stone-cold working professionals I had the occasion to meet in Wanchai during several of my asset allocation runs.”
“These life-affirming, consensual financial liaisons could be a stepping stone during my post-banking proto-journey to enhance my sense of well-being and also get laid more often in casually dismissive ways, which should take my mind off the billions of dollars I have parked in an ultra-high-interest futures fund in Berne, Switzerland,” Braithwaite added.
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