BEIJING – The rage cloud of extremely high cumulonimbobluster hovering over China for the past 57 years finally showed signs of abating on Thursday when a single ray of wan sunshine broke through the cover, signaling what analysts say could be the end of Beijing’s having a huge stick up its arse over a cocktail of grievances that have compiled over the decades, resulting in so overwrought a nationalistic constipation that even its neighbors no longer recognize it for the simple, homespun country it used to be.
A bright, shining light was reported over the northeastern part of the country, directly above Beijing, at about the same time a group of Communist Party officials in the capital was taking a timeout together after a mid-morning People’s Consultative Committee Meeting on Pan-Asian Hegemony to sip some brewed homegrown and really kind of just get to know each each other for the first time.
One of the participants, 48-year-old apparatchik Guan Kwaiguang, said he felt a frisson of emotion while chopping it up with his CCP comrades, especially when the talk veered from Xi Jinping Thought on Socialism to the mundanities of real life on the mainland.
“It’s funny,” Guan told Breaking in Asia. “As soon as me and my Bolshie Bruhs began showing an ounce of humanity toward one another by saying things like, “Dude, I got your back if you go all Tai’An Village and say things were better when we didn’t have to vote on our favorite Xi Jinping Articles of CCP Faith or our Top 10 Reasons for Immediate Cessation of Peace With Taiwan Because They Are Pig-Fucking Democracy Advocates,’ well, that was the moment we realized, Man O Maneschewitz, these dudes are so real and pure that I could literally life-journey with them until my one remaining incisor falls out, but the tight would remain forever.”
“I also thought, briefly, ‘What if we really did liberate the stick that’s been up our arse so long – much like Sun Yat-sen liberated Chinese thought in his Sun-Joffe Manifesto – that we actually started having the same benificent feelings toward all humankind and didn’t threaten to annihilate everyone based on a logical fallacy so twisted it makes Squid Game seem like child’s play?”
“I mean, let’s just super do this, right?”
Political analysts interviewed by BIA said that the huge stick that’s been jammed way up China’s arse for the last three or four decades was expected to remain in place at least until the government can decide for itself whether to stop Big-Timing it, but they added that they wouldn’t put their money on it until Beijing accepted some notion of realpolitik and said Taiwan could live somewhat freely for the time being, except for the rent it paid to run around naked inside Beijing’s head.
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