Kim Jung-un: South Korea’s ‘Soft Power’ No Match for North’s ‘Cute Nukes’

PYONGYANG – North Korean leader Kim Jong-un said Tuesday that South Korea’s “Soft Power” triumvirate of K-Pop, avant-garde films and weirdly provocative slut/ingénue baseball cheerleaders was no match for the North’s “Cute Nukes” and their potential for the utter destruction of the South through cataclysmic conflagration, carcinogen-laced smoke and burning radioactive materials compounded by the screams of the injured and dying haunting those who dare to still cling  to life after the initial blast.  

Kim was responding to a widely publicized report in South Korean media that he, like millions of his compatriots, had fallen under the influence of Seoul’s cultural blitz and was especially attracted to K-Pop, regularly indulging in listening sessions with secret earbuds to help him through his long days of gazing wistfully at blighted soybean fields and executing in-laws.

One South Korean outlet had reported that Kim “pretends to take an interest in North Korea’s people and the progress of his democratic dictatorship, but secretly he’s humming ‘I Am the Best’ by 2NE1,'”– the seminal 2011 track viewed by some in the music industry as setting the agenda for the bold style of K-pop girl groups. “He’s also a fan of ‘Permission to Dance’ by BTS and Blackpink’s 2022 hit ‘Pink Venom,’” the outlet said.

But Kim said during a press conference in the North Korean capital that the hit songs were nothing compared to the blast from a nuclear bomb he could potentially unleash on a city like Seoul.

“It would begin as a blinding flash of light, brighter than the sun,” Kim said with visible and mounting excitement as he entered his narrative stride. “It would instantly incinerate and evaporate everything nearby, and then the heat wave would come next with temperatures that can vaporize steel just as easily as human flesh, creating a shockwave that would obliterate buildings and crush everything in its path.

“Forget ‘Pink Venom,’” Kim said. “We’re talking Black Oblivion.”

“We’re going to be looking at generations scarred to the point they won’t be seeking ‘Permission to Dance,’” Kim said with an arch chuckle. “More like permission to be put out of their misery.”