BEIJING – President Xi Jinping of China has hit back against charges that he may be completely out of his age bracket in thinking in can waltz right in and take Taiwan, which would be an unprecedented move for any Communist dictator in history, let alone one who’s 69 years old and teetering on the brink of adult diaperhood.
With his youthful, perfectly manicured jet-black mane pulsating with indignation, Xi said Tuesday at a press conference that he was, in fact, “much, much younger than other totalitarian leaders who have successfully liberated independent countries from their hard-earned freedoms,” citing Joseph Stalin, the Russian despot who took in whole or in part Estonia, Poland, Latvia, Lithuania, Romania and Finland; Adolf Hitler, who also double-dipped Poland, among several other repressed countries who yearned for Nazi liberation, and Genghis Khan, whose Mongol empire stretched from what is now central Europe to Southeast Asia.
When questioned as to how old he thought Stalin, Hitler and Khan were at the time they went total prime-time on world domination, Xi answered, “somewhere around 85 or 90, which would put me at roughly 30 years younger, leaving no doubt that I, too, can forcefully integrate some of our neighbors into this transformative era of nostalgic socialism with Chinese thought while leaving me a few more decades to throw the yoke over a few other Western-leaning countries in our neighborhood who long for China’s steady, authoritarian hand.”
“Anyone who says I am too old simply doesn’t know China’s revisionist history,” he added.
The U.S., United Kingdom, Japan, Canada, South Korea, France and Australia are among a host of countries that have warned China over its threats to Taiwan. They recently said in a group statement that any attempt by China to take Taiwan by force would be met by stern reprisals, including bans on Chinese tourists being allowed to take unlimited bacon at hotel breakfast buffets and on foreigners’ travel to the Harmonious People’s Rock Mine in Xinjiang Province to watch Chinese tennis star Peng Shuai play in exhibition matches.