CHINA-OCCUPIED HONG KONG: HSBC Hong Kong junior investment banker Garnish Numpty-Chan, who last month declared themself to be pansexual in a direct challenge to HSBC Group corporate policy prohibiting the expression of any personal non-financial disclosures, said Thursday that they had “pretty much given up” ever getting laid with any men, women, Chinese Communist Party members, giant cuddly pandas or any other practicing financial pansexuals after receiving zero expressions of interest during an extended month-long road show through the Causeway Bay, Wanchai, Lan Kwai Fong and Soho bar districts of the sparkly vassal state.
“It is with deep misgivings and a better understanding of my[they]self that I couldn’t score despite manifesting the best version of me, in whatever of the various forms I nominally come in depending on the day of the week, what bar I’m in or which Starbucks avatar I choose to represent my true essence,” Numpty-Chan said in a statement they distributed to the local media and HSBC executives.
“Even though I truly believe l hold almost unlimited sexual power over most of hetero-, bi-, omni- and elder-sexual people, I have been told that a few of my slight imperfections, like my wholly defective personality, canker sores in both my upper and lower lips, lifelong meth habit and inability to maintain even partial awareness of any other people in my proximity due to my exhausting self-absorption may be holding me back in my effort to get laid by anyone resembling a human or goat.”
Numpty-Chan said they first became interested in exploring their blossoming pansexuality when several of their favorite popular entertainers announced themselves as pansexual, including pop singer/model/actress/rights advocate Miley Cyrus, English actress/model/singer/activist Cara Delevingne and American singer/actress/lyricist/model Demi Lovato.
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Although Numpty-Chan admitted they would be the first non-singer/actor/activist-advocate/lyricist/rights campaigner/blogger to declare themselves as pansexual, as well as the first person who has absolutely no chance of getting laid to declare themselves as pansexual, they said they would continue to make public their pansexual feelings to all their colleagues, family and whatever friends they have left despite nonesuch actually wanting to be privvy to such information because of their own conflicted feelings and shame for not being able to knob with anyone or thing whenever the feeling strikes.
“I guess in this way, me and my non-pansexual family and friends have at least one thing in common: our outsize expectations for sexual conquest must be tempered by the fact that pretty much no one will get within a donkey’s greasepole of us,” Numpty-Chan lamented.