UBUD, BALI – American Tech Bros based in this artistic and cultural center of the Indonesian archipelago have decided to take their disruptive global development skills and agile zeitgeist displacement theories to the next level by bringing in three cargo containers’ worth of San Francisco Bay Area homeless people and squatters to scatter randomly around Ubud to give the Bros that welcoming feeling of home as they attempt to overcome their culture shock so they can one day merge with the Expat Yoga Junta and finally take over the sacred island entirely.
Although their numbers have been somewhat lessened by the coronavirus crisis, the U.S. Tech Bros, headed by Menlo Park, California natives Derek Funderburk, Micah Rajiv-Sandbloom and Jonathan Tseng, said they were committed to importing the homeless cohort, calling them an “integral and, indeed, actionable tech team infusion projection apparatus” that could enhance the Tech Bros’ social profile to nearly the same level as the Australian Surf Bros on Bali.
The Tech Bros versus Aussie Surf Bros throw-down has been brewing since at least 2018, when the first co-living space in Bali, “BunknBread,” started operations with a mostly broke, California-reared, socially awkward digital nomad clientele moving into a space that was formerly dominated by surf hostels, which catered to a mostly broke, Australia-bred big-wave-hunting crew of socially toxic but sexually active antipodean misanthropes.
The two groups have yet to find common ground, despite their shared conspicuous dysfunctionality, and Rajiv-Sandbloom said the U.S. Tech Bros hoped to leverage their momentum in the space by adding the Bay Area homeless brigade into the mix to give them a home-court advantage in the turf war.
“Our client-solution-specific interface almost demands the comforting notion of ‘home’ in our end products, so what better way to show that in Ubud than by the welcoming mounds of human fecal matter and used syringes that are part and parcel of the Bay-area homeless experience,” Rajiv-Sandbloom opined.
“We feel that their presence and ephemera [shit piles and abandoned underwear] will add immeasurably to Ubud’s bucolic and holistic setting,” he said. “Although some of the native populace may find their presence alarming, we see their assimilation as a seamless blending of extraordinarily similar cultures – one exotic and foreign and the other opiate-impaired and adult-diaper-dependent.”
Rajiv-Sandbloom added that he and his fellow Tech Bros would be opening a bar/warung to serve as an entertainment base for the incoming homeless people when they aren’t out on the streets of Ubud hitting up Japanese tourists for handouts of Hello Kitty tchotchkes and inputs of synthetic heroin.
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