NEW YORK – The NBA announced today that it would be sitting out the entire month of February, citing sore knees, general performance issues and a widespread malaise related to playing out a complete 82-game regular season that nobody really wants or has ever even asked for.
The NBA said in a press release that the owners, management, players, office staff and mascots for all 30 teams would be shutting down operations beginning Feb. 1 and extending through either Feb. 28 or Feb. 29, “depending on whether leap year is in effect this year.” It added that it could not at this time determine whether February comprised 28 or 29 days because it was resting its ailing right shoulder and wasn’t able to turn the calendar over from its January position “without risking permanent damage to its entire financial structure.”
The NBA All-Star game, which had been scheduled to be played on Feb. 16 in Chicago, will now be played in Los Angeles in whatever off weekend in March works for Kawhi and LeBron. The NBA further stated that Kawhi and LeBron would now both be going by one name only, but that this decision did not really have anything to do with the two superstars now driving most of the league’s decisions relating to player contracts, required work time and how much players have to travel on their teams’ private jets if they can just fly themselves to games.
The NBA also said that it really appreciated the fan support it had received over the past 70 years or so of its existence, but that it believed it now had the wherewithal to continue sucking up gigantic bags of money without the support of any fans whatsoever – at least at “live” events.
The NBA added that it would soon be issuing its new policy regarding its plan to allow players to entirely cover their bodies in corporate sponsorship tattoos, leaving them free to compete without having to wear actual team uniforms.