LOS ANGELES – The movie studio that brought you Captain America, Spider-Man, Thor and a dearth of any other characters outside the classic masculine Jungian archetype has decided to spread its orbit into Oriental queer space, revealing that its next superhero will be Asian LGBTQ bad-ass Iron Minge.
Marvel Studios CEO Kevin Feige said the character, which sprang out of the sensualized ethers of Tang Dynasty lesbian mysticism, homoerotic-samurai-anime lore and Feige’s own sexpat adventurism – including field trips to Bangkok’s ladyboy muay thai fighter district – would be a “one size fits all” projection of every sexual kink or anomaly “seen and unseen across the universe,” yet would still be figure of deep empathy and offer wide appeal even for the traditionally cisgendered moviegoing audience.
Marvel had been brewing up an LGBT character ever since a studio focus group pointed out that the only Marvel character to have come close to at least peering out the closet was Captain America, who most of the focus group judged to be “leaning bi if not totally gay” due to his name alone, not to mention his emotionally fraught and hysterically overbaked relationship with the Winter Soldier.
The focus group also concluded that Loki, although widely assumed by some commentators to be pansexual due to his shapeshifting abilities, is technically non-LGBTQ because he largely operates under the influence of the Mind Stone and cannot be responsible for his sexual ideations. In addition, Wonder Woman, who was included in the survey despite existing outside the Marvel Universe, was judged by the focus group to only be allegorically lesbian due to her origin story and upbringing among her Amazonian sisters.
“Indeed, this is the first time a superhero who is both a member of the LGBTQ community and Asian will be introduced to a worldwide cinematic audience since George Takei appeared as himself on Youtube to slut-shame William Shatner,” Feige said, referring to the former Star Trek castmates.