The 7.7-billion-strong world populace awoke on Friday on what seemed like its 10th- or maybe 15th-straight hangover day as it chased away the psychic pain related to the coronavirus crisis, only to suddenly sit bolt upright in bed upon the realization that it had given away at least 50 percent of its lifetime earnings to support popular global sports stars on the narrow hope they would bring glory to their long-suffering hometown teams.
Norman Aiulschoff, a 47-year-old computer technician from New Rochelle, New York, quietly muffled his cries of despair after the slowly dawning realisation finally hit him that he had spent upwards of $327,000 on his favorite sports teams, which in turn had collectively shelled out billions of dollars in order to pay the salaries of superstars who produced exactly zero championships and yet were now riding out the coronavirus in seaside mansions and mountaintop retreats paid for by fans like him, who were mostly on the verge of penury and lifetime unemployment.
“Man, I sure could use some of that dough now,” said Aiulschoff, a diehard fan of the New York Knicks, Jets and Mets, which together have won no professional sports titles for God knows how long. “To think of all the money I threw away watching guys like Carmelo Anthony, Mark Sanchez and Bobby Bonilla flush every season down the toilet…” Aiulschoff said, his voice trailing off as he counted the remaining $13.27 left in his wallet.
“I mean, I guess I could live with it if I woke up with a hangover and $175 was gone because I spent all my money on strippers and fireball shots ” Aiulschoff reasoned. “But all my money, and for what – three or four wins a year from each team? And now I can’t even afford to plunder the remaining toilet paper and some hot-dogs at the Hy-Vee grocery store to see myself through this? Man, was I ever dumb.”
In Barcelona, Spain, 36-year-old Marta Colon Valencia Ramires Montelbán decried the lavish luxury quarantining lifestyles of FC Barcelona stars Lionel Messi and Luis Suárez, presently ensconced in Mediterranean villas with their combined $32.7 billion in salaries safely intact while Montelbán and her neighbors sweated it out on the streets of the Catalan capital, selling single sticks of Pepito-flavored Juicy Fruit gum to make ends meet, if they were allowed out at all.
“I would like this for you to understand,” Montelbán said in comments translated from The Spanish by Breaking in Asia. “Five years and now we have so far no Champions League title. And now the players take a pay cut to help pay salaries for Barcelona staff, and all the rest of us go begging even though we have spent our pesetas on you for nada – totalmente nada. You know how you can do, Messi? You can suck my gran concha,” she said, referring euphemistically to a favorite Barcelona seaside treat.
In total, the $6.8 trillion in salaries the world spent on global sports stars for truncated 2019-20 sports seasons works out to the equivalent of $6.8 trillion for the one sporting title won during the period – in this case, by St. Helens of the Rugby Super League, which beat the Salford Red Devils, 23-6, in the championship game played at Old Trafford in October. The 142 St. Helens supporters have been in lockdown since that time, drinking away what notionally remains of the world’s money and thinking seriously of changing the team uniform colorway from the traditional red and white to something more uplifting, like maroon and cobalt blue.
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