WASHINGTON – The personal physician of Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden said today that concerns the 77-year-old’s erectile functioning would be affected by the rigors of campaigning or demands of the U.S. presidency were overblown, declaring that the former Vice President could still “maintain visible wood” and “throw down with any of the other elderly male candidates if challenged in that way.”
Dr. Conrad Heibler, who has worked as Biden’s personal physician for the last two decades, said the tensile strength of Biden’s erection, although not what it was in his “Vice President Swellington” days, “certainly is on par with what we have seen in past erections from other Democratic candidates.”
“Mr. Biden’s vascular functioning is such that he can easily – almost casually – raise lumber with no medical assistance,” Dr. Heibler said. “So any concerns related to his being able to perform at the highest levels, whether in presidential terms or strictly Schwingtown ones, have been greatly ejaculated.”
For his part, Biden, who has been battling Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Andrew Yang and Pete Buggigieg, among others, to be the Democratic presidential nominee, said he maintained a rigorous regimen of daily prostate ablutions, Kegel exercises and beet juice consumption to stay in full vigor.
“If anyone has the ability to go full wood in this campaign, it’s me,” Biden said in an email to Breaking In Asia. “I mean, look at the guys I’m up against – Bernie, Yang, Buttigieg, Steyer. What a joke, right? Would anyone seriously suggest these wannabes could hang with me in a policy circle jerk or maintain a rigid front in the midst of a rogue missile showdown?” Biden added, with emphasis.
“Vote for me and and be prepared for the greatest Iraqtion you’ve ever seen,” the next president concluded.