WASHINGTON D.C. – A poll taken in the wake of the U.S. presidential elections shows that most clueless American voters made their pick based not on whether the Popeyes Chicken TV commercial they had most recently seen featured Classic Tenders or a Blackened Chicken Sandwich, as in past elections featuring multiple, confusing racialized food tropes with ethnically diverse candidates, but rather on what candidate they believed would make the best guest griller at a pet barbecue.
Rondrae Smickens, a 48-year-old from Saginaw, Michigan, who was one of the 3,500 participants in the poll of 2,500 almost totally clueless Americans conducted by the Pew Research Center from Nov. 21 to Nov. 24, said she made her pick of Kamala Harris as U.S. president and as a guest griller at her pet barbecue because she believed she could depend on Harris providing succulent, rabies-free and exotic pet meats like Jamaican cockatoo or Nicaraguan tapir at any social gathering or while meeting with the heads of state of remaining U.S. allies Lithuania, Costa Rica and Monaco.
But Joseph Blewitzky, a 96-year-old Republican who voted for George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush, Ronald Reagan and Chester A. Arthur in previous U.S. elections, said he preferred a straight-shooter like Donald Trump as a guest griller at any barbecue he was invited to because he thought Trump’s range of meats would include plump, white gamey offerings like pre-fondled American Shorthair kitten balls all the way up to redder meats like Cockadoodle surprise.
Other clueless American voters interviewed by BreakingInAsia were unable to give their full names or political affiliations because they were currently injecting fentanyl directly into their necks or fist-stuffing Cool Ranch Doritos into their mouths and couldn’t talk now, but they added that you can be rest assured they voted responsibly and did not make their decision based on whether their favorite social media influencer’s dancing boobs swung to the right side or left in their latest TikTok video upload, which was widely viewed by 12 people.
Be First to Comment