MAR-A-LAGO, FLORIDA – U.S. President-elect Donald Trump said Friday that he would respect the wishes of the millions of people who voted for Kamala Harris and pick what he said was nearly a mirror of American society – a reflection of the very diversity that helped power the Trump campaign to his unlikely, though not unexpected, victory in the U.S. presidential election.
“Everybody’s saying they want me to pick a Cabinet that isn’t such a loser like the one Sleepy Joe had and I guess we’ll know it when we see it but at least you won’t be going into the hospital with a broken arm and coming out with boobs and a snatch because under my watch this won’t happen and we’re also going to triumph over evil like you’ve never seen before, OK folks?” the president-elect told a group of reporters gathered at his Mar-a-Lago residence in Florida.
Trump indicated that, as expected, Elon Musk would be appointed Secretary of Defense, becoming the first South African immigrant to hold such a position within the U.S. government.
“Many of you don’t know this, but Elon Musk, who everyone knows is my new best friend because I was never best friends with Jeffrey Epstein, who was just horrible and nasty to me and died in prison like a dog because I believe he was planning something big against me but then everyone came out and said, ‘Really – is this really happening? Because if it is happening then there are a lot more things that I could say but I won’t say them.’ And so Elon Musk and his family came from a very bad situation in South Africa – they call it ‘Apartheid,’ but I don’t know if it’s Apartheid or just they hated Elon and his family so much that they had to flee that shithole country and find refuge in America or maybe it was Canada. And so Elon will now be my secretary of defense and he will just be tremendous because he knows where to point his barrels.”
Trump said North Korean President Kim Jong-un was an “obvious” choice for U.S. secretary of state, given his popularity with autocratic regimes worldwide and the fact that he could work remotely and so Trump would then “not really have to worry if all 15 or 25 of the Cabinet people were always coming into work all the time.” Likewise, Vladimir Putin of Russia would be the perfect pick for secretary of the interior “because of his vast knowledge of the former Soviet Union’s collective states and so we could run something like that, where places and failing states and cities like New Mexico and Texarkana and Philadelphia and the like would come under the direct control of Mr. Putin, who everybody is saying is probably the greatest with this sort of thing, as he has proved by doing so well in bringing Ukraine back into line.”
Trump added that he was not bothered by criticism that many of his cabinet picks were not actual U.S. citizens and so would face difficulty winning confirmation by the U.S. Senate. What was important, Trump said, was the broad diversity of his Cabinet choices as reflected in “historically persecuted minority celebrity politicians and billionaires” like Musk and Putin, undervalued White women conspiracy theorists such as U.S. representative Marjorie Taylor Green, who is Trump’s pick as head of the new Cabinet-level N.R.A., and marginalized cult leaders like Zebediah Abraham of the New Centurion Amish community outside Dublin, Ohio, who will likely become the secretary of anti-abortion.
“Together, we can achieve so, so much, and I believe my Cabinet nominees also believe this, and you will believe it all, too, because we really are the party of IVF and we want fertilization so bad that it’s going to make Obama’s phony, made-up deals look like real Third World stuff and you know who they all are.”
“A lot of strange things happened,” he added.
Be First to Comment