DUBLIN, OHIO – The luxury hotel project Republican vice-presidential candidate JD Vance is building in Dublin, Ohio, will feature 215 suites and penthouses that combine the ambiance of a private residence alongside indulgent services including cascading Oxycontin-infused waterfalls, a rustically hayseed “Drinking With Violence”-themed bar and a Sundowner Special dinner buffet that includes a daily mass shooting event with potentially unlimited casualties.
The Hillbilly Elegy Hotel, named after the book of the same name by Vance, which detailed his upbringing in abject poverty with abusive kinfolk in a house made of old wooden whiskey-mash barrels from the Jack Daniels distillery, is scheduled to open shortly after Vance and running mate Donald Trump win an unprecedented landslide victory in the coming U.S. presidential election, the likes of which nobody has ever seen before, the Trump Organization’s Luxury Real Estate Portfolio, which is financing construction of the hotel, said in a press release.
Architectural renderings of the hotel provided by the Trump Organization reveal a custom-made Appalachia latticework facade that harks back to the design of Vance’s childhood home and is thought to be representative of the gaps in the Vance family’s genetic history, which resulted in where America is today on the political map.
En-suite amenities also include sleek kitchens, washers and dryers, and private terraces, while public spaces offer an indoor/outdoor lounge and bowling alley, a resort-style pool and deck, a state-of-the-art Technogym, an executive conference room and smaller “conference nooks’ for when Don Jr. and Eric come in and declare droit du seignur on really any weekend they feel like it.
And of course, Oxy in its purest form will flow from the state-of-the-art ©Midwest Express Custom Indoor Waterfall installed in the hotel atrium, with just one Pleasure Jar-full guaranteed to get you Jethro Clampett-style Craunked to the Hillbilly Heroin Gills as you consider the sociopolitical gravitational pull inherent in JD’s new thriller, The Seven Intellectual Forces Behind My MAGA Worldview and Why I Stopped Putting Varmint Juice in My Afternoon Martinis.”
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