SYDNEY – After admitting to using unorthodox methodologies to parse beta-selective candidature modal standards to choose its national Breaking team, the Australian Olympic Committee will now pick its top dancers through a precise mathematical formula based largely on sheer talent, it announced on Sunday.
The decision comes in the wake of controversial academia-affirming white Breaking artist Raygun’s participation at the Paris Summer Olympic Games, where she shattered stereotypes that the Olympics should only be for elite, world-class athletes while also finishing in beyond last place.
Raygun, a lecturer at Sydney’s Macquarie University with a PhD in Deterritorialized Gender Studies and Post-Partum Breakdancing Outcomes for Non-Indigenous Cultural Blowhards, stunned the sports world with her thematic dance routines based on one of the classes she offers at Macquarie: Performative Inadequacies in Modern Australia: Magic, Ritual and Belief.
Although many cheered her stylistic interpretations of normative breakdancing, which included mimicking the blossoming of native Austropolynesian flora as well as busting out the Kanga, others were unsure she should ever be seen in public again, fearing her image could be twisted into an ironic symbol for Australia’s failed Workfare policies, which have seen millions of untrained and untalented Bogans, mostly from Australian’s vast, arid northeastern welfare region, find gainful employment in urban centers like Wollongong and East Mulletsville.
Raygun, who was initially believed to have been a “positive outcome” of such policies, as classified by the Australian government, has now been downgraded to “crook’s bludger” and will likely be shipped to New Zealand, according to Australian government spokesperson Evelyn Cruikshank.
Cruikshank said the goverment would recommend that New Zealand make Raygun the lead performer for the Kiwis’ National Women’s Haka Team, given her claimed heritage as part-Maori, part occult shaman dance legend.
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