BEIJING – Peking Potentate Xi Jinping said Wednesday that the country’s military and heavily indebted property sector would converge in a win-win war/real estate scenario whereby the country would ease into total control over wayward provincial usuper Taiwan by securitizing its overleveraged property firms’ skyscraper ghost towns and selling the assets to finance its takeover plan of its cross-strait rival.
Although Xi admitted he really didn’t know why China had a stick shoved so far up its arse about Taiwan it could no longer shit straight or form coherent economic policy that didn’t involve bludgeoning its easterly neighbor into a form of Sino-submission, that would still “never in a hundred million or billion or trillion years stop me from achieving my aim of re-attaching the branches and leaves of the Chinese nation to the great trunk of the Motherland.”
“If you think that offloading toxic, nonperforming and highly leveraged off-balance-sheet financial instruments onto unsuspecting foreign and other investors is some kind of spinster’s trick to protect the core status of the CCP, think again,” Xi said in an opinion piece posted in the Communist Party-run daily tabloid Global Times. “Rather, it is an opportunity to buy into what could potentially be a real estate bonanza that is sure to be realized after we re-brand the skyscraper ghost towns as China Inland Investment for Common Prosperity With Happy Luxury Characteristics That is Definitely Not a Ponzi Scheme.”
“With the rational profits we expect from the plan, we will then bomb the shit out of Taiwan and then nestle into our bosom any common peoples that remain on the obdurate territory after our genocidal impulses have been sated,” Xi continued. “But this does not mean that our love for our cross-strait brethren will have changed in any way whatsoever even if there are a lot fewer of them left.”
Xi added that he hoped the Taiwan issue would resolved before Beijing were forced to act on its overpowering need to butt-rape and cannibalistically annihilate one of its own, but that circumstances would determine China’s next step forward in its journey to reunify the Motherland, by Holocaust if necessary.
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