HO CHI MINH CITY – Scottish liquor magnate Matthew Gow-Stewart expressed disappointment today when his 23-year-old Vietnamese supermodel girlfriend, Thang-ni Sen, returned to their stylish Saigon pied-a-terre from Hanoi with a fresh set of enhanced breasts, calling them “offensife, pointy an’ frankly degradin’.”
“Tak a swatch at her tets noo, man?” Gow-Stewart told or maybe asked a Breaking In Asia reporter. “Ah gae ‘er a load ay money fur whit she said was a camapaign tae wen the hearts an’ minds ay the Vietnamese fowk weth ‘er ‘newfoond beauty’ an’ fur fuck’s sake thes is wha’ she comes back weth?”
Gow-Stewart, who owns the gigantic MRW distillery in Saigon, which makes the top-selling single-malt whiskey in the Mekong Delta region, said he had initially told Ms. Sen that he found her cleavage prior to its reconstruction “pleasin’ enaw fur how Vietnamese tets goo.” But he said he then agreed with her that a full-frontal assault from her in the north of the country, followed by a continuing campaign south through Hue, Danang, Nha Trang, Mie Soe Horni and, ultimately, Saigon, would likely expand her career into neighboring countries like Cambodia, Laos and Thailand, where she could lay down a trail of voluptuous goodwill and win widespread popular support for an occupational gambit that had previously garnered little backing outside her own country.
“May an aw jist firebomb et aw noo coz look at ’em,” Gow-Stewart said of Ms. Sen’s career and bosom, shaking his head as she adjusted her plucky new look to fit it all into the camera lens of her ultra-slim cellphone. “I mean, her left tet noo actually looks loch an upturned giant cashew nut while her right one looks loch mammy durian.”
“Ah dinnae thenk they’ll do much for enternational relations,” he said before adding that he “would stell gev ’em a goo” before deciding whether he should switch focus to one of his 14 other supermodel mistresses dispersed throughout the region.
Ms. Sen’s operation took place during the recent Tets New Year, a countrywide celebration where Vietnamese women gather to parade their silicon- and dairy-enhanced assets to admiring government officials, foreign diplomats, family, neighbors, “Asia’s Next Top Model” producers and the occasional French sexpat.