NEW YORK – A United Airlines flight from Fort Lauderdale to New York was forced to land in Atlanta after a man identified as former U.S. President Donald J. Trump began behaving erratically, shouting at other passengers that he could “easily grab them in the pussy” or inject them with “the Chinese virus” if they didn’t agree that “this whole thing was rigged from the start” and that he was still “America’s true president by unanimous dissent [sic].”
A Federal Aviation Administration spokeswoman said a “security incident” on board the flight, which took off from Fort Lauderdale at about 2 p.m., had forced the diversion, although she would not reveal details other than that a Federal Air Marshall onboard had sedated Trump via blowpipe with the tranquilizer Zylazine, which is usually used in the wild on large rampaging animals like deranged black rhinos and aggrieved hyperglandular wildebeests.
The spokeswoman said there was no reason to believe Trump was a danger to anyone in the Atlanta area, although CNN Center briefly went into lockdown and anchors Don Lemon and Anderson Cooper were escorted out of the building by armed paramilitary guards after Trump could be heard complaining to air marshalls that he would “make these fake news guys pay, and I will force them to respect me, consciously or subconsciously, and then they will lose so, so badly because you know what? IF YOU DON OR YOU ANDERSON EVER THREATEN ME OR MY COUNTRY AGAIN YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY COULD COMPREHEND OR EVEN BEGIN TO ASSIMILATE [sic]!”
One of the passengers on board the flight described a chaotic landing as the air marshalls tried to control the former president, who after trying to set up a lectern in front of the main bulkhead in the economy section so he could give his “acceptance speech,” just as quickly abandoned the effort and went into the kitchen galley, demanding that staff fry him up a “100 percent American beef hamburger, well done and with nothing Muslim about it, and I’d also like some fries – these long, beautiful American fries, which look like so many other parts of my body that I can’t even tell you, but Melania knows … she really does.”
Another passenger said that the moment the plane landed, the pilot and flight attendants began yelling, “Evacuate! Evacuate!”, with the former president responding, “You can’t fucking talk to me like that! I could totally fire everyone responsible for this historic attack on my amplitude [sic] unless we get this plane back in the air stet!”
The nation’s 45th president was being held at an unidentified federal holding facility in downtown Atlanta before he could be processed on the charge of third-degree failed political agendas, which carries a penalty of ignominy and shame for normal people but for Trump will surely only mean messianic revival.
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