LONDON – A woke Guardian journo/columnist/influencer/activist who eviscerated American chocolate as little better than baby vomit may have been completely fucking constipated about a total non-issue and horse-ingested a huge amount of the chocolatey American bowel laxative Ex-Lax thinking the resulting Hershey squirts would be representative enough of the real deal that she could write an authoritative article on it, experts said Friday.
Arwa Mahdawi, who prepped at the prestigious Stick Up the Golden Sphincter Academy for Twat Brits and graduated Magna Cum Wokely from Oxford University’s 8,000-year-old College of Impertinent Dilettantism, bitched loudly that American chocolate “has a lot more sugar and a lot less cocoa than its European counterparts,” and could possibly contain cadmium, as if anyone even knows what that is except it’s probably great for everyone but the Poms.
But experts interviewed by Breaking In Asia said Mahdawi, who was up against an impossibly tight deadline to write absolutely anything so The Guardian could continue to shamelessly beg readers for whatever monetary contributions might possibly keep the entire lefty-trash enterprise afloat, had probably rushed out to buy all the American chocolate she could lay her hands while she taste-tested her theory but instead had unwrapped a bar of America’s No. 1 and universally adored anti-constipatory.
While gobbling down the medicinal treat, the experts said, she may have exacerbated her pre-existing pyloric stenosis, leading to an absurd amount of virulent upheaval directed at pretty much everyone on Facebook she could get a hit from.
The experts said the result left her well-placed to continue her blossoming career as one of Britain’s most highly regarded thought leaders on topics that formerly saw peak interest in publications like “Your Shite Day in East London” and “Hens Night Out in Clacton Upon Essex” but had recently been taken up by The Guardian as it watched its readership vertical evaporate into gormless vapidity.
The experts added that it was highly probably that a bunch of credulous clickbait Canadians who think the goopfest known as poutine is a national treasure would undoubtedly “like” Mahdawi’s article on Facebook.
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