NEW YORK – A study released today by the American Journal of Incalculable Corpulence said fans attending concerts by the singer/cultural bellwether Lizzo were on average gaining 7.4 pounds of potentially toxically positive weight each time they attended one of her performances, leading to an erosion in public trust of normally obese fat people.1
Janelle Oswegian, a Columbia University metabolic researcher who authored the study, explained that Lizzo fans were adding the extra poundage mostly through the massive consumption of anxiety-relieving bourbon/oreo ice cream/blue curacao party hooch, guilt-assuaging hot dog/nacho guzzlers and identity-uplifting rosé Champagne/liquid cookie dough spritzers.
“Although these food and beverage products are widely available at Lizzo concerts, they are often wrongly portrayed by the media as tools by which multinational food companies are able to manipulate the emotions of the fan-consumers and rake in obscene profits,” Oswegian said.
“Are the Lizzo concerts nothing more than huge group therapy sessions with a thumping backbeat, catchy hooks and tons of available junk food?” Oswegian commented. “Certainly. But the difference is it’s not the multinational food companies that are manipulating the emotions of the fan-consumers that attend the LIzzo shows. Rather, it’s the concert-goers themselves who are goading each other with mutually abusive and enabling behaviors that lead to ritualized adipose gain.”
“Plus, they seem to be gaining even more weight just by gazing intently at Lizzo for the entire one-and-a-half hours she’s on stage. It’s like she’s engorging them with her rhapsodic melodies and BBW aesthetic alone,” Oswegian added.
Nobody who attends a Lizzo concert could be reached for comment on the study because they were all over at Lizzo’s place indulging their insouciance in a hot tub filled with whipped cream, slapping thighs and bawdy lyrics.
1 The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that being overweight or having obesity are linked with a higher risk of getting 13 types of cancer. You’re welcome.