BEIJING – While millions of Hong Kong residents were cheering the decision on Wednesday by Chief Executive Carrie Lam to officially withdraw the proposed extradition bill that had become the focal point of protests in the semi-autonomous territory, China was acting quickly to boner-kill the joy, announcing that it would now have “no choice'” but to revert to the hooded kidnappings it had previously carried out on Hong Kong residents it viewed as running afoul of Communist Party law.
The thousands of brush-cut, bull-necked mainlander stooges who had been running China’s black-ops campaign to extrajudicially deliver to CPC authorities any overtly threatening Hong Kong residents – booksellers, Buddhist nuns, middle school students and drunk English sexpats – also rejoiced at the news.
“It will be so good to get back to regular work,” said 44-year-old Chao Tai-hsiao, a Guangzhou native who joined his first white-terror hit team while working part-time at an Ebeneezer’s kebab shop in Wanchai in 2011. “My career has stalled some since my overlords started their ‘Give Extradition a Chance Campaign’ in March. Before that, I would say my team and I were contracted to carry out at least one extrajudicial kidnapping a week, for which we were paid quite handsomely and which actually brought us immense job satisfaction.”
“I remember one guy working in a Taiwanese restaurant we threw a hood over, beat mercilessly using our bare fists and other blunt instruments, tied up and actually took over to Dongguan via the Macau Ferry and nobody said anything! My crew and I double over with laughter when we remember such hijinks!”
“Of course,” Chao continued, “the Taiwanese restaurant worker’s offense was a grave one: creating dumplings in the classic Taipei Shilin Night Market style instead of the iconic Beijing Hongqiao Night Market style. These kinds of cases I can assure you we take very seriously indeed, and we act with much haste to deliver the guilty party to his or her summary court sentencing at the nearest black jail in the mainland.”
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Hong Kong opposition leaders welcomed the news that the extradition bill had finally been shelved for good, but expressed alarm that Beijing would now revert to using tactics outlawed by the 1954 Geneva Accord, the U.N. Convention on Torture and China’s own habeas corpus regulations.
“By resorting once again to the tried-and-true terror tactics it uses indiscriminately on the very people it claims to govern peacefully, Beijing has shown its true face,” one of the opposition leaders, Nathan Law, said in an interview with Breaking In Asia. “But Beijing should always remember that the mosquito of Hong Kong has landed on its testicles, and so it should now realise there is a way to solve the problem without losing its entire nutsack” he said, vaguely paraphrasing an ancient Confucian saying.