LONDON – The private plane British Prime Minister Boris Johnson flew from the COP26 climate summit in Glasgow back to London last week was fueled by a blend of wholly natural earthen resources that have mostly been pouring out of his craven bunghole for the last 15 years, including built-up pressurized carbo-political smegma from his time as London mayor to the canaried brown ort entrapments from when he was foreign secretary all the way up to bilious bowel ass-kak flares he has been shooting out in the general direction of everybody during his term as head of the British Parliament, the prime minister’s office said today.
Johnson, who said at the summit that time was perilously close to running out on the Doomsday Clock as the world was being covered by a suffocating blanket of ideological excreta that he had managed to store in his spongy lower flatular canal as “pungent political capital” to be unleashed at the most expedient point in his own career party-hack trajectory, has been accused of hypocrisy for being among the world’s leaders to burn at least 1,000 tons of carbon dioxide by using private jets to and from the climate summit.
But according to Johnson’s press secretary, Rose Bate Williams, Johnson’s private plane burned clean, methane-like fuel more closely resembling the Elephantidae Enorme that Johnson was fully licensed to emit on his own or with groups of others – mostly while gathering at the House of Commons with Conservative colleagues – rather than the liquid petroleum whose wholesale burning has the world teetering on the edge of an environmental catastrophe and possible extinction.
“The Prime Minister was easily able to make it from Glasgow to Scotland in a putatively non-polluting, non-ozone-busting manner owing to the fact that his private jet was powered by nothing more than his own inflated sense of worth on the global political stage and a couple gallons of fart juice he entrapped in his upper bowel while downing three 200-gram packs of McVities Dark Chocolate Digestives, a two-liter jug of ever-popular British fizzy drink Ribena Sparkling Blackcurrant and a 12-pack of Cockney-style jellied eels that he and his brother, former MP Jo, used to love eating growing up together as children and also smushing into the panties of women Labour MPs whilst serving together in Parliament,” Williams said.
“He actually saved enough of his own fuel from the trip that he will now be able to fly to the United States on the cheap next month to meet with U.S. President Joe Biden, where they will discuss an initiative to shove the United Kingdom further up the poo pipe of international relations and straight into the hearts of an adoring global public,” Williams added. “In official diplomatic terminology, we are calling it Chocolate at the Gates.”
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