BEIJING – China today lambasted Taiwan’s democratic elections as an “abomination on the will and spirit of all Chinese people,” saying that only it had the “incorruptible right” to outline the terms of any independent country’s quest for self-determination, “especially Chinese countries we own like Taiwan, and other non-Chinese countries we own like Cambodia and Laos.”
“It is clear that foreign forces are at work in trying to drive a wedge into the single heart that China shares with its compatriots in Taiwan and those within China’s 9-Dash Line of undisputed hegemony in the South China Sea,” China’s Foreign Affairs Ministry spokesman, Geng Shuang, said of Taiwan’s presidential and legislative elections.
Taiwan’s incumbent president, Tsai Ing-wen of the Democratic Progressive Party, easily won a second term on Saturday over her Kuomintang rival, Han Kuo-yu, a result Geng said showed the Taiwan electorate’s “clear preference for the continued supremacy of Beijing’s metaphysical thought leadership” over its affairs despite Tsai saying in her victory speech that Beijing could just suck it.
Geng said Tsai’s views did not accurately reflect Beijing’s “studied and deeply principled” beliefs on the cross-strait relationship, but that nonetheless China could still offer Taiwan citizens a free 140-square-foot apartment in its industrial heartland near the Thousand Years of Dioxin River Basin to tempt them to switch allegiance to the mainland side.
Tsai also said in her victory speech that Taiwan would continue to to work with China on crucial cross-strait issues like getting China to stay in its own lane, advising China that the city of Beijing has a horrible summer stench that nobody can quite put its finger on, and persuading China to move way the hell over near Russia somewhere if it wanted to maintain win-win relations.