BEIJING – The Chinese government has confirmed that it will take a “bold and revolutionary step” toward combatting climate change by streamlining its food-distribution networks to its Uighur Outdoor Institutes of Higher Learning in the northwest of the country. The change means that students at the camps will now willingly forgo fresh fruits and vegetables, dairy products, beef, chicken, seafood, grains and watery gruel in favour of grass, mud and sparrow meat.
China said the switch comes at a momentous time for the country and its ever-changing demographics. Indeed, it said, lessening the impact of the country’s overall food imprint “must and will start at the very places where abundances of every kind flourish” – especially at the Uighur institutes, which China claimed already enjoy the inherent advantage of food security because of their locations next to vast steppes of weeds and iron-rich dirt.
In announcing the plan, Foreign Ministry Spokesman Geng Shuang said that as far as he knew, Uighurs at the institutes have enjoyed a continuous supply of edible foodstuffs for as long as they have been interned there, often resulting in the Uighurs’ “mindless pursuit” of such things as breakfast at the expense of relentless political indoctrination and carbon neutrality.
“Now, with our new policy, all Uighurs will be able to contribute to China’s efforts to neutralize or even reverse climate change,” Geng said. “As this is a battle to reclaim China’s glorious heritage of pristine environmental stewardship, we urge all our Uighur comrades – both those at our Uighur institutes and those enjoying fruitful and long-lasting careers at the Harmonious People’s Rock Mine – to consider carefully whether their so-called ‘Need To Eat In Order To Meet Our Minimum Daily Caloric Requirements’ manifesto is in the best interests of all the Motherland.”
Geng noted that Uighur students at the institutes would still be allowed to enjoy a cup of beloved Oolong tea on special occasions, such as “Beat the Shit Out or Your Muslim Uighur Neighbor While Taunting Him With A Ham Hock” holiday and the weeklong “Golden Week To Casually Harass Obvious Uighur Informants Who Are Known Traitors To Xi Jinping Thought.”
“Of course, the government knows that the Uighurs’ ability to do scholarly analysis at the institutes depends on keeping them in peak physical and mental condition,” Geng said. “Which is why we are also introducing an incentive program there called Long March To Free Thought, wherein students who have abided China’s climate goals by not eating will be able to enjoy a pub-crawl-like 4,680-kilometre hike through all the camps so they can exchange research insights with their peers.”
“That should be a lot of fun,” he added.