CHINA-OCCUPIED HONG KONG – British patrons of a popular late-night watering hole in Hong Kong’s sparkly Soho district condensed the Brexit issue into its simplest terms for a Polish customer who was caught up drinking with their group but then refused to comply with their order, “Your shout, mate,” when his turn came to buy drinks for the entire five-man gin-and-tonics squadron, throwing into stark relief the topic that has roiled British and Continental politics for the past decade.
The Saturday Night Kerfuffle was said to have brought to mind the bruising battles seen in both the British and European Parliaments over the contentious issue, which has the United Kingdom on the precipice of either total economic freedom or a toilet-twisting demise.
The customer, 28-year-old Pavlesz Brzdelniewski, or “Pablo,” as it suited the Brits, a trainee accountant from unwavering European Union member Poland, said he had known his pub mates at the Staunton Street bar Quaff for at least two months, sharing many drinks with them under the “Our Shout-Your Shout” plan, with the usual order being five large Slingsby Dry gin and tonics with lime twists, at HK$95 (US$12) per for them and a Tsingtao draft, at HK$53, for him.
The total bill for each order, HK$528, works out to HK$88 per man, with the approximately 12 nightly rounds during each juniper-jizzed session equivalent to HK$1,056 each (US$134).
“The numbers — clearly this is not something for my favor,” the Pole said, still balefully staring at a bill he was refusing to pay for. “If I am drinking alone or with normal, non-British peoples, I will make maybe five beers, so this cost then is something like HK$250. But this guys,” he said, tutting and shaking his head, “they force me into group drunk culture where yes! – I must drink all night with them!? I must pay for everything for them!? And then I will have to watch them perform sex with their wives!?
“I am simple man, yes? I like to have friends, OK, yes. But this guys …” he trailed off, staring ruefully at his former bar companions, who were now velcroed tightly together by their paisley cravats, loudly singing along to reviled British boy band Oasis’ “Don’t Look Back in Anger” as it played on the pub’s sound system.
“This exactly why we don’t want them in EU!” Brzdelniewski continued, shouting. “All they want: Pay! Pay! Pay! And what they are giving Europe? All bad shit!”
“Goodbye my British friends!” he concluded.
The Brits’ leader, 47-year-old solicitor and Bristol native Pernell Prentiss, challenged the Pole on his Brexit analogy.
“This is what we do for you people, yeah?!” he countered, with typical Bristol aggro. “It’s simple maths, mate: we buy you, you buy us… HAPPY-HAPPY … YEAH?”
“This is why Brexit is coming!” he roared. “You’re happy enough to benefit from others, but when it comes your turn for the bill, there you go, running off to Brussels whinging about your subsidies!”
“Typical illegal immigrant!” Prentiss spat his closing argument.
An understanding was later reached at the bar that Brzdelniewski would continue drinking with the Brits, except under broader terms where the Pole would be allowed to drink free for one round out of the nightly 12, meaning his cost overrun would be narrowed from HK$420 each night to just HK$367 – or an amount equivalent to the current Polish per-capita GDP.