BAGHUZ, SYRIA – The world’s leading Muslim caliphate has warned the novel coronavirus that its days on this Earth under Allah’s enduring and glorious reign are numbered, and that it should take itself and its thorny-headed, single-stranded morphology and get the hell out before it is hunted down by loyal mujahideen soldiers who will force it to drink many cups of bitterness until it is, epidemiologically speaking, “nothing but a pinprick of vanquished nucleoproteins.”
“Do not become too joyful or arrogant while you spread your DNA-sequencing apostasies throughout the lands of the unclean,” ISIS said in a statement issued from its headquarters. “For when you attempt to enter the mighty and unbending fortress of jihadi resistance, you will be met by a thousand vengeful reckonings. To be sure, our will is the thunderclap that has broken the backs of a million infidels, and your genetically chimeric structure will prove no different in wilting before us.”
ISIS leadership, currently based in a four-person poly-cotton ripstop tent pitched on the banks of the Great Zab River, said that if it refused to lay down its arms, the coronavirus risked losing forever the potential existence of the “1,000 heathen pathogenic generations” that could follow in its wake were it allowed to survive.
HYSTERICAL ALARM
“Heed the law of our land,” ISIS warned the coronavirus, which was last seen headed in the direction of the Middle East, where it was expected to be met with the same sort of hysterical alarm and dismay that has greeted it at every turn despite sending out obvious and clearly transparent signals since early January that it would soon be coming for a visit.
“Do not expect that we will offer your a welcoming reservoir of host bodies, to be consumed like a Holy Martyr ravishing his quota of 72 virgins,” the hellbent-for-glory outfit admonished the highly divergent virus. “This will be your fiery consummation in the never-ending depths of our inferno.”
ISIS added that if the coronavirus even thought of getting anywhere near its remaining members it would deploy multitudes of giant Levantine jihadi-soldier pandemic specialists to “absolutely crush the spirit of the apostate disease” and “hurl its entrails into the cauldron of boiling soup” it keeps in the back of its tent to eat later as an afternoon snack of even an evening meal.
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