CHINA-OCCUPIED HONG KONG – A 42-year-old American customer of the popular Soho drinking establishment Quaff has decided to let his fingers do the assaulting for the Lunar New Year as he tries to birth the just-bi-for-now man that had long lurked inside of him while growing up in Texas but is expected to come into full bloom now that he is in the most sexually repressed part of the world.
The customer, Miguel “Mikey” Popeil, who sells high-end Wifi and other Luxe services to clueless mainland Chinese customers staying in five-star hotels throughout Southeast Asia, has commandeered the main stool at the front end of the bar, where he greets any entering male customer with the customary “Kung Hei Fat Choy,” and a nutsack tweak, drawing bawdy laughter from a coterie of enablers surrounding him at the bar.
Popeil said his strategy in welcoming new customers to the bar was to show his warmest regards entering the new lunar year, and that any incidental or direct contact with random men’s balls was simply his interpretation of local cultural norms and not strictly intended as third-degree sexual assault or a chance to tease out potential mates for when he finally dumps his beard girlfriend and goes full otter, twink or wolf.
“I actually think it helps them with their anger issues and allows them to explore their feelings within the context of this vibrant, open Chinese Communist culture that surrounds us,” Popeil said in rationalising the move as a reflection on them and not him. “Once a grown-ass adult male who you have no prior knowledge of touches you in that place, you can only help to be delighted and look forward to many more dick-flicks the entire evening, no?”
Although customers have complained about the maneuver to bar management, Popeil’s best friend, Randall Upjohn, the chief financial officer for a major media company in Hong Kong, said most customers just keep themselves so drunk that they don’t even notice when Popeil starts “tickling” them or sticks his finger up their backsides in the men’s room when they have unintentionally entered together. “Also, his casual homophobic remarks I’m pretty sure are a reflection of the toxic male culture we have at the bar, and can’t be seen as an attempt to deflect attention from his exhilarating newfound sexuality.”
Although prior repressed male customers at Quaff had deployed the more well-known “Bangkok Hello” in order to touch random mens’ penises – asking unwitting customers where they think he’s going for the weekend, with the inevitable result – Popeil’s advanced baiting technique is said to work well as a kind of sensual substitute for male customers who have nominally come to Hong Kong looking for hot Asian girl or ladyboy action but somehow end up sitting next to him at the bar.