BEIJING – China has labeled as “preposterous” Venezuelan opposition leader Juan Guaido’s request that Beijing recognize him as the interim president of the country, saying it would not do so until Guaido agreed to allow it to convert all of Venezuela’s corner bodegas into KTV parlours and also rename the country’s oil producer as “Sinopetroleos de Chinazuela.”
China, whose long-stated policy in matters related to other countries’ sovereignty is that it will not intervene unless the profit motive becomes overwhelming, is among a group of belligerent countries refusing to recognize Guaido’s claim to Venezuela’s tattered throne, even as the United States, Canada, most European Union countries and Venezuela’s neighbors have officially recognized the National Assembly leader as the country’s acting president over the official president, Nicolas Maduro.
Officials with China’s Ministry of International Hegemony stated that Beijing would continue to recognize Maduro until it saw progress toward a “win-win, bankable solution” suitable to both sides, including Venezuela giving Beijing control of all its Internet- and sex-hosting providers as well as national oil company PDVSA, allowing Beijing to access Venezuela’s international waters in order to build a chain of floating Macau-style casinos stretching the northern Caribbean coastline of the country, the option to annex the neighboring island country of Grenada, and two future first-round NBA draft picks that it could later use to seed the Beijing Ducks basketball team.
Unidentified officials within Guaido’s inner circle of advisers said they would consider a more balanced offer that included China giving the new administration something in return, “like maybe its illicit organ-harvesting and tiger-poaching operations.”
“We’re confident we can work something out with the Chinese — it’s just a matter of, ‘Can we somehow synchronize our money-laundering processes with theirs?’” said one of the officials close to Guaido. “After all, the previous administration has only left us with legacy financial misappropriation schemes, when what we need is something more blockchainish so we can leverage these new technologies to get the Chinese cash straight into our fiscal bloodstream,” he said. “All in the name of reform, of course,” he added.
Should such an agreement come to fruition, Venezuela would also be expected to teach Chinese officials how to secretly control the levers of the country’s political apparatus and also maybe throw in some salsa lessons, China said.
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