GENEVA – The World Health Organization’s top disease-control specialist said today that the executive board of the international agency had decided to make a radical departure from its standard disease-labeling principles by upping the level of induced nomenclatura hysteria it normally injects into such illnesses and going whole hog by agreeing to name the next flu virus after the very worst form of sexual assault.
The specialist, Stanson Belthreine, said the WHO had decided on the name “Global Ass-Rape Virus” just to get into people’s heads a little more and see if international media outlets would follow suit by fanning the fames of hysteria based on their limited understanding of semi-scientific buzzwords propagated by the global anxiety-industrial complex, somehow leading to massive capital market gains of well-connected WHO officials by boosting the value of their pizza delivery company stocks.
“Given the wild success we have seen with our latest naming iteration if not outright invention – the ‘coronavirus’ – which, truth be told, we never could have foreseen leading to the avalanche of panic we previously could only have dreamed of, we have agreed to take it to another level entirely by leaving open the possibility that the next worst flu virus in world history could, if left unchecked, pile-drive straight into your arse, killing off generations of people if not the whole of humanity,” Belthreine said at a press conference.
“Kudos to our man Bernie in Quality Control who came up with that name,” Belthreine said. “Totally obvious, and yet it simply works in today’s environment of quick-hitting, angst-driven global news narratives.”
Belthreine also said that WHO staffers were working overtime to persuade global media outlets to intensify their reportage of the coronavirus by constantly updating their casualty tote boards to reflect the possibility that this thing could never end and also to hammer home the very real risk that the triangular journalist-celebrity-athlete undergirding of pop culture could all come crashing down, leaving everyone incapable of navigating their soon-to-be-barren lives, except Laotian farmers and some indigenous tribal peoples of Norfolk Island.
The WHO added that it wanted to do the right thing here by not overly stoking the fires of alarmism, but that it really couldn’t help itself and would just as soon “burn the whole thing down” if only to get a good laugh.
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