BEIJING – China’s foreign affairs ministry has accused the Super Bowl of trying to isolate the motherland internationally by not including an advertisement of its own highly touted “One Belt, One Road” plan to connect the country with Southeast Asia, the Middle East, Africa, Europe, and the southern stretches of the Galapagos Islands through a series of economic initiatives that will ultimately transfer all its debt to countries that can barely afford cable TV.
The ministry said during a press conference on Tuesday that it was the “height of American duplicity” for the Super Bowl to glorify through its popular advertisements the benefits or beer consumption, car ownership, independent mobile phone service providers and clearly defined and open Internet usage paramaters while at the same time ignoring Beijing’s plan to build a money train that stretches its tentacles halfway around the world, dispensing “easily serviced” loans at just 500 basis points above LIBOR that will have some countries in hock to China until the Qing Dynasty rises again sometime in the middle of this century.
“This is hardly the win-win cooperation scenario we had planned for in our recent talks with the Trump administration on this very matter,” ministry spokesman Lu Kang said.
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The ministry also said that although China government officials had not watched the Super Bowl, they were still pleased that the New England Patriots had squeaked by the Los Angeles Rams, 10-3, because the final score, when totaled, is an auspicious number for Chinese, meaning “you will give us all your money now and then die.”
“The sterling victory by New England clearly shows that dynasty-building operations by quasi-governmental entities can have a broad impact and bring lasting benefits to those who would prostrate themselves before higher political and economic powers,” the ministry said in a separate press statement.
“We also enjoyed the sight of Gisele Bundchen waving enthusiastically to Chinese people around the world, surely wishing them all the greatest success in the Lunar New Year,” it added, referring to Brazilian supermodel comrade-wife of New England quarterback Tom Brady, who was continuously shown throughout the game waving at cameras pointed at her instead of the complete lack of action on the field.